Fathers have gained some legal rights in the past decade, but they’re still at a disadvantage when negotiating in a divorce. Successfully battling this bias is a matter of knowing which actions to take and which to avoid.   Sometimes mothers want out so bad, they feel they need to leave and what do they do about the children? Usually, the mother has little or no money. So, many mothers think they can leave and get the kids back later. This is a very, very critical time.   Here are some pointers:   Don’t leave home. Maybe it’s the nagging, or the fighting, or some sign of infidelity. You pack a bag and take up residence elsewhere. You’ve just made your first big mistake. The instant you leave the house, you yield a major advantage when it comes to gaining custody. The court, which will impose its own custody arrangement if you and your spouse cannot agree on one, may look at your decision to leave as a sign that your spouse is the real custodial parent. What’s more, your departure gives your spouse a chance to prove that he/she can go it alone. Do not underestimate the court’s emphasis on the children’s current situation. It can turn ugly. One parent may charge abuse and persuade a judge to sign an order of protection. That is a tactic to force you out of the house and away from the kids and to characterize you as an unfit parent. Beware of temporary separation agreements. Often, the terms of a temporary separation agreement become the final terms of divorce. Do not sign a deal believing that you can easily re-negotiate the custody arrangements later. Call a marriage counselor. Even if your marriage is beyond saving, seeking counseling may help you. Find a marriage counselor who is willing to testify. Make an appointment, then invite your spouse. Find the right lawyer. Finalizing a divorce and determining custody usually takes a minimum of six months. We are experienced and supportive. Word of mouth is the best way to find candidates, but don’t choose a lawyer solely on someone’s recommendation. Ask prospects how often their custody cases go to trial. If the percentage is higher than the national average, less than 10% of cases make it that far, ask why. Some unethical lawyers allow proceedings to drag on without a resolution, so they can bill more hours. Also, be wary of attorneys who discourage you from pursuing court-approved mediation. Know what custody arrangement you want. If you haven’t been an active parent, are you sure you’ll be able to be one in the future? How can you convince the court of that? If work or poor health is going to affect the time you can spend with your kids, will you really be able to handle primary custody? When deciding what role you want to play in your children’s lives, be realistic and keep the child's(ren's) best interests in mind. Let your spouse know you’re not a pushover. Although the court must approve any custody arrangement; in most cases, you’ll be better off reaching a settlement before you go in front of a judge. When you let the courts decide, you must deal with a judge who has his or her own prejudices. That doesn’t mean you have accept whatever proposal your spouse and their attorney dangle in front of you. Take the time to prepare your own parenting plan and show that you’re ready to battle for it. If they see that they have a fight on their hands, they’re more likely to back down from extreme demands and cooperate with you. Gather evidence to support your case. If your case goes to trial, you’ll have to convince the judge that you’re an active, effective parent. You’ll need references - teachers, the pediatrician, neighbors - who will vouch that you are closely involved with your kids. The courts are concerned about the atmosphere they’re sending children into. Another tip: Sign-up for a parenting class through a local agency - before the court orders it. There are classes that cover all age groups and subjects: how to defuse a temper tantrum, when to buy your daughter a training bra, and lots more. Gather evidence against your spouse. You have to assume that if your case reaches the trial stage, it will get nasty. Your spouse will bring evidence that will portray you - at best - as an ineffective parent. Be prepared to produce any proof you have that your spouse isn’t suited as a primary care parent. If he/she has alcohol, drug, or psychiatric problems, for example, or if he/she has engaged in risky sexual behavior, you’ll want to produce medical records or witnesses. Be on your best behavior. You’ve been a good spouse and parent during your marriage; don’t ruin it now by dropping a bundle at the track, organizing a buddy’s lewd bachelor party or being arrested for DUI. Assume that your spouse’s lawyers will be watching everything you do. No matter how harmless it may be, any action can be misrepresented to the court.   Don’t let your spouse bait you into bad behavior, either. If your spouse lays into you, maybe poking you in the chest for emphasis, be careful. They could be trying to lure you into losing your temper. Succumbing to anger, even for a second, will cost you.

Law Office of Robert Beaty 2331 Elm Street Bellingham, WA 98227   (360) 676-1215   beatylaw@aol.com