Men who batter come from may different backgrounds
and have different life experiences; however, the tactics they use to control their partners are very similar.
The following are tactics many batterers use:
Jealousy - A batterer may equate
jealousy with love. The batterer may question the victim about who the victim talks to, accuse the
victim of flirting and having affairs or become jealous of the victim's time spent with others.
Controlling Behavior - A
batterer may attribute his/her controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, his/her partner’s
safety or decision making skills). The batterer may assume all control of finances or prevent his/her partner from coming
and going as he/she wishes.
Quick involvement - In some
cases, a battered person often has known or dated the batterer for less than six months before getting married,
engaged or living together. The batterer may pressure his partner to commit to the relationship. Later, the
victim may feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations -
A batterer may expect his/her partner to meet all of the batterer's needs and to take care of him/her emotionally
and/or domestically.
Isolation - A batterer may
isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer may accuse others,
such as the victim's friends and family of being ‘trouble-makers.” The batterer may also block his/her
partner’s access to use of vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.
Blames Others for Problems
- A batterer may blame others for his/her shortcomings. The batterer may blame the victim or potential victim for
almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames Others for Feelings
- A batterer may use feelings to manipulate his victim. Common phrases to look for: “You’re hurting me by not
doing as I want.” and “You control how I feel.”
Use of Children - A batterer
may expect children to perform beyond their capability and may punish them excessively if they don’t (for example, whipping
a two-year-old child for wetting a diaper).
Cruelty to Animals - A batterer
may kick, throw, or hurt the family pet.
“Playful” Use of Force in
Sex - This includes restraining the partner against his/her will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the
partner is helpless, forcing sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. The batterer may
show little concern for his/her partner’s wishes and may use sulking or anger to manipulate compliance.
Verbal Abuse - A batterer may
say things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, curse or degrade his/her partner, or put down his/her accomplishments.
Rigid Sex Roles - The victim
- almost always a woman - will be expected to serve. For instance, a batterer may see women as inferior to men, responsible
for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Dual Personality - “Dr.
Jekyl and Mr. Hyde” - Abusive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality are typical of people
who batter their partners.
Past Battering - The batterer has
been abusive to previous partners. The abusive person is responsible for the problem--circumstances do not make a person an
abuser.
Threats of Violence - This consists
of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. While most people do not threaten their mates, a batterer may
try to excuse this behavior by claiming that ‘everyone talks like that.”
Breaking or Striking Objects -
The batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls, or kick doors to scare the victim.
Use of Force During an Argument
- The batterer may hold down his partner, physically restrain the victim from leaving, push or shove him/her, or
tell the victim that if he/she leaves, the victim will be hurt.
